An Open Letter To My Eating Disorder

An Open Letter To My Eating Disorder

I remember when I met you. You were so stunning. I was absolutely captivated by you. You were everything I ever wanted to be. You were everything I desired.  And in that moment, I decided that I needed you. I needed your guidance, I needed your advice, I needed your opinions, I breathed for them, I lived for them.  

You made me feel whole, you made me feel new. I was finally finding myself. I let you take me. I handed myself over on a silver platter. And you were more than happy to indulge in my innocence.

No matter what I did, no matter where I went, I knew you would always be there for me. I knew you would look out for me. You wanted the best for me. You were my best friend. I didn’t believe anyone understood me the way you did.

But I was obsessed with you, and you thrived from my obsession. By the time I realized how wrong you were for me, you had already achieved what you wanted. I was addicted to you. You took advantage of me. You took my youth. You took my purity. You took my self esteem. You took my happiness. You took my creativity, you took my independence, you took my confidence, you took my strength.

You have taken everything from me. Now every time I eat I think of you, and it makes me sick. Now every time I sleep, I dream of you, every time I wake up, you’re my first thought. Now Every time I feel contentment, it’s short lived. Now every time I look in the mirror, I can’t see myself clearly.

You made me believe I was worthless, you made me believe that I don’t deserve happiness. You made me believe that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough. You made me believe that the world is cruel and that love is a lie.

But you were fucking wrong.

Every moment with you was disoriented.

You never made me feel whole, or new, I never found myself when I was with you, I found depression, and darkness. You were never there for me, you never looked out for me, you only ever looked out for yourself. You never wanted the best for me, you just wanted me to suffer for your own sick narcissistic pleasures. You never truly knew me, and you never understood me. And you were never a friend, you were just a devil dressed like an angel.

I am still broken because of you.

I am still recovering. I am still struggling. I am still healing. You still haunt me every single day. But the ghost of you is diminishing little by little. And as your ghost fades, my soul will be restored, and I will take back my youth, my purity, my self esteem, my happiness, my creativity, my independence, my confidence, and most importantly,

My strength.